A Crazy-Beautiful Life.....

time.

2010-10-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm missing things.

I'm missing friends, family and maybe a little of myself.

Familiar smells, sounds and strong arms.

Ransacked bedrooms, insects in old sour cream containers and giggles.

The color pink, tandem Facebook, Ipod and text messaging, empty coke cans on end tables.

Upside-Dog, Chessy smiles and black cats.

Abandoned cars, jeeps and airplanes.

The boat. The whale. The smile.

The familiar.

Clarity.

2010-10-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

I cant remember.

The days that turned into storybooks.

and the nights that folded into happy endings.

Where have they gone?

hiding behind doors and under beds for fear of the rapture that thieves in the night.

I cant remember.

When last my heart quickened.

When my steps moved to you, keeping pace with the fluttering mind of brilliance.

And now, I tire.

And as I try to sleep away the ending,

I come back to me

and weep.

A distant friend come Home.

Transition.

2010-10-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

Life is hard. I've realized that at times, I make it harder on myself...this life. I often find myself forging my own trail through brambles and quicksand. Only to find the golden brick road easily accessible after all my labor and effort. And still, I long for the road less traveled. Overgrown, neglected by sodden feet that walked her back long ago. I see my history and the things still to come in the paths I create for myself. Some are in the warm sands where the sea breeze sweeps through my hair. Some live amongst densely packed Yews and Firs of native lands. Others live in dark, dank undergrounds....... But, I find the sun. And welcome the warmth on my face to light the way to paths undiscovered.

The Ties That Bind~

2009-07-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

Its unbelievable, this whole week. So much pain and grief, its amazing one can get through tragedy so great and continue with a life so completely altered. How do we continue? What is it, that's in us, that allows one to keep going? Wake up each morning and face a new day when we are broken and in pain? The strength comes from somewhere. Its in all of us, I suppose. I'm sure that we all have the ability to be stronger than we really think we are. In times of crisis, the strength that we gather from somewhere inside of us takes hold and carries us through the overwhelming sorrow. And the times where we cannot be strong, we lean our family, friends and community.
Tragedy is all around us, everyday. War, violence, death...it's a wonder we can awake each morning and start a new day at all. Though there are times when all we can do is ask "why", the answer never satisfies our need to know. But the suffering is universal and when one is in pain, we all are in pain. On our tiny utopia of an island, the water that surrounds us also binds us. We can bear the weight of our suffering neighbor and see them through the darkness. We can pray for them, cry for them and uplift them in their despair.
Sometimes the quiet flow and ease of Lopez is shaken with news we just cannot seem to recognize or process. In these times, there are strength in numbers. If we can come together and heal together, love will always see us through the darkness and into the light.
Let us send all our love and light to the King, Buffum and Kramer families & to the other families that are suffering. And, to all my family and friends...I love you all so much and are grateful each day that we share this beautiful life together!

Just what I needed!

2009-07-14T09:07:00.001-07:00

Hi Everyone! It has been forever since I've updated this....SORRY! I've more than busy and getting busier! I found some quiet time....how did I do that?.....so here goes.....
Life is moving right along. Work, kids, Jon in Alaska......and, a new kitten Max! He's super-cute and a good kitty! Ava loves him and she's taking great care of him! Before we got him, I made her sit down w/ me and read all about kittens. How to take care of them, how to feed them and play w/ them...somewhere along the way, we read that a kitten should use the litter box 7-10 times a day, so Ava decided the best way to keep track of this was to make a check sheet. Every time Max uses the litter box, a check goes on the sheet...pretty cute! We are having a fun time w/ this new addition to our family.
The 4th of July came and went. Every year I'm so amazed at the people that decide to venture to the islands for the holiday. And, how is it that this island doesn't sink from all the people??? More and more people every year! For the local's its complete and utter chaos....the population triples in one day....INSANE! But, with all the madness, the tourists bring their dollars to spend in the local businesses which we love!! I choose not to work at the bakery during the 4th.....I love my job and I really don't want to end up in the Sheriff's Log....that would suck! The best thing about the 4th this year was a visit from Rebecca and Elysia.......My Besties! It was so great seeing them! We try to get together at least once a year(Becky lives in Lynwood and Elysia in California) and this get-together was long overdue! I just love them so much! Half of our time together is spent giggling...we laugh at everything and anything...we become complete idiots, silly and crazy! People look at use and shake their heads...they're totally in the dark in regards to our humor......the story of our lives! I cannot begin to tell you how awesome it was to just laugh. To be in the company of true friendship. It remined me what friendship is and how it should be.....total ease. Nothing forced. Nothing labored. Nothing strained. I feel blessed that I have that with Becky and Elysia. It's comforting to know that there is NEVER drama. NEVER!! And ultimatly, isn't that what a friendship is?? After they left, I was able to reflect on all of my friendships. I'm not sure how it came to be that my friends became such a vital part of my life. Maybe it was moving to Lopez without a typical nucelar family. Trying to be a part of a family(my aunt and uncle) that had already been established. I think my friends became my family, filling a void that I had. Somewhere along the way the good ones stayed and the bad were left behind. I feel greatful that I had the forethought to understand the importance of riding oneself of negativity and baggage that did nothing but hold me down. And the work continues into my adulthood. I guess it never stops. I'm realizing that as I get older, I just dont have the paitence for bullshit. As I sit here, typing this Blog, I can count on both hands the friendships that have stood the test of time...it may seem sparse to some, but to me, it speaks volumes. And, its them that I cherish, hold up & respect and I feel immense gratitude that they are a part of my life. Ok, enough of that..........
So, life goes on....Lexi is at B-Ball Camp and then off to her Dad's in Kentucky. I'm really excited for her. She loves basketball so much and she's with her besties too. And her trip to her Dad's is always a fun one. She's still, at 15, a Daddy's girl!
Ava and I are holding down the fort.....Still another month and a half until JP is home....We miss him so much! We might head up at the end of August and ride the boat back down from Alaska, but still not sure if that's going to happen. The bakery is busy as ever. I've decided that I'm eating to much bakery food....that must come to an end......Its a never ending battle.....Kira vs. the yummy bakery treats..the treats always win!! I'm still running. I did the 4th of July 5K...That felt really good. I did it in 38minutes, which for me, is really good! I just love to run! I find if I go to long without a run, I get very cranky and I just feel yucky!
I guess, that's it....you'r updated!........Your turn Robert!!

Prom~

2009-06-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Lets try this again....I posted these a couple weeks ago and Blogger decided to "unpost" them. Hopefully a second time will be the charm!
So Lexi had her first Prom....sigh.....She looked beautiful and so grown-up. Its hard to believe its been 15 years since I gave birth to her. I'm tearing up just typing this....I'm really proud of her. She's independent and strong-minded....but also very typical of a teenage girl. Finding her way in a world that is full of obstacles and abundant in possibilities. Did I mention she's just gotten her learner's permit?? Oh the joy's of mothering teenagers.....and so it goes!

Bunko Fun!

2009-06-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Time for some Bunko Fun! We gathered at Rebekka's house for some Bunko on Bunko action!! It was a blast!! Next one is at the Caffe...I'll let everyone know the date...it will probably be mid-June....

It isn't that bad!

2009-05-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a hectic 2 weeks.....Where to start??.....I finally started back to work!! Nothing pleases me more than to be back at the bakery among family! I'm so in love with that place! There is something very purposeful about working....contributing, I guess. And really, being at Holly's isn't really working....There are days, of course, but what I receive in return is much more than a paycheck.
Jon also left for Alaska. Its always a sad time for the family. The first month we're usually pretty solid. The girls and I are so busy, there's really no time to think about missing him. But then mid-June comes around and we hit a wall. Lexi not so much..she has her friends and she spends so much time with Dale that although she misses Jon, its not as hard for her as it is for Ava and I. The phone calls help so much..so do the letters. We are keeping our fingers crossed that we can make the trip up north this year. I keep waiting for the time when this gets easier....it just gets harder. I think we'll have to tweak the program a little. Hire someone to run the boat for a month?? Maybe take the family to Alaska for a month?? It should be interesting...
Lexi received her learner's permit today....YIKES!! I just cant believe it's "that" time....Where have the years gone?? She's very "green" when it comes to driving, but she's getting better every time she gets behind the wheel! I'm anxiously awaiting the day when she can take herself and Ava to school in the mornings! I'm beginning to realize that I'm slowly getting my freedom back...sleeping in...early morning runs....reading a book uninterrupted for more than an hour....could it really be possible??...
The healing is going really well. The scar itself is big but also beautiful...it is what it is....I think other people have a bigger problem with it than I do...There also really surprised I'm not bothered by it.....Really?? I also have have stretch-marks....but I gave birth to 2 big babies...and gasp, I still where a 2 piece! It's interesting what people find to be beautiful and what they find to be flawed..can't their be beauty in what is perceived as flawed?? All my scars tell a story. Some are happy, some are scary, some are completely foolish, but they are all a part of me...and I kinda like them.

Going natural!

2009-04-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Since I was diagnosed with cancer in March, I've been thinking a lot about my health and the way I nurture my whole self. Mind, Body and Spirit. Holly Bower recommended a book to me that her father, Ted, used when he was diagnosed with cancer. Its called How to Prevent and Treat Cancer with Natural Medicine. This book has become my cancer bible! As a result of this book, I've tweaked my diet some and started on the Super-Eight Natural Medicines for Cancer Treatment program. The eight consist of Proteolytic enzymes, Curcumin, Quercetin, Maitake D- or MD- Fraction, PSK/PSP, Polyerga, Modified Citrus Pectin & Ip6. Depending the type of cancer you have you may not have to take all the supplements or in different variations. They all do different things for your body but mostly give your cells the boost they need to become strong and engage the body's own cancer-fighting mechanisms. Because the type of skin cancer I had was not caused by the sun, only by "bad cells", it became important for me to nourish my body with natural supplements that would engage in the growing of strong, healthy cells. Its a lot of pills for one day but the benefits, I believe, are massive compared with the alternative.
This book has been so helpful to me. There is an abundance of knowledge and facts in regards to cancer. If you know someone who has cancer or is going through Chemo, I highly recommend this book. It takes you through all the steps of cancer. The diagnosis, the treatment(including Chemo and radiation), and the recovery. It also touches on the importance of the type of food we put into our body's, the value of the mind-body connection and how significant balance is in ones life when faced with impossible circumstances.
So....the healing goes on. I go back to the Plastic Surgeon tomorrow to get my bandages off. I keep wondering what my scar is going to look like. Before I started this process, my skin cancer was the perfect shape of a heart. I know the outcome wont be a heart, but I'll wear my battle wound with pride. And, when I look in the mirror, I'll always be grateful for the lessons I learned and continue to learn from this experience.

Easter Fun!

2009-04-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up Easter morning thinking that the Easter egg hunt was going to be a bust! I've decided that on Easter and the 4th of July, we islanders are in the same predicament.....will it rain or will it shine? I've come to realize that at least on the 4th, there's always a "chance" of sunshine.....Easter...not so much! We came home completely drenched. But, it felt good to be out of the house watching the kids run around. I love all these Lopez traditions we have. I know that Lexi and Ava will cherish the memory of our island traditions for the rest of their lives. It feels comforting to be part of a community rich in customs & convention.
The girls had a great time dying Easter eggs on Saturday night. It brought me much joy to just sit and watch them. Lexi decided it would be cool if she wrote song lyrics and her eggs....Ava, she stuck to the High School Musical stickers and loved painting on her eggs. On Sunday, Ava headed to church with Uncle John and Aunt Valerie(her favorite people in the world!), JP headed to the airport with the guys for a few hours, and Lexi and I headed down to the Southend for breakfast with my family....then off to the egg hunt! Ava found the Golden Egg and had the most eggs so she was VERY happy at winning the basket and bragging rights! We then headed down to Aunt Mary's for a family dinner. Jon's mom, Iris, was here for the holiday. It was really nice to see her and spend time with them. You never leave Aunt Mary's hungry....NEVER! Ava played with her cousins Erica and Ali and was so happy to be with them! It was a cold, wet, fun, eventful & much needed time with family. I never take these moments for granted. When you realize how fast it can be taken from you, slowing down and taking it all in becomes important and significant. Memories are fleeting, but they're also beautiful...as relevant as breath.

Home~

2009-04-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

I miss the bakery so much. Not working there, right at this moment is leaving me listless and idle...not a good combination. I get so much from that place. Its my home away from home. It makes me happy and gives me purpose. Its good for my mental health minus, the weeks between July1 thru September...and that's why I'm so grateful for Robert being next door. He makes me laugh and I always need that in the summer months! We laugh about nothing and everything....Ping-Pong Balls?? I just cant wait until the day comes when I set my flour encrusted, raisin embedded, danish gooed asics running shoes(now the bakery shoes) onto the bakery linoleum floor! Feeling the warm bakery blanket of good friends, good music and the smell of good food baking in the oven wrap me up safe and sound....Heaven.

Recovery would be so much more easier on a beach in Thailand!

2009-04-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone! I hope this finds you all well! I can finally type with two hands!! Ahhh, the little things....!
Well, Jon and I are home and I'm on the road to recovery. What a crazy time! It feels so good to be home. Hospitals and hotel rooms are not fun! Well, maybe hotel rooms but only under the best of circumstances. So here's the rundown on the lowdown....
On Monday I went in for my surgery at 7:00 am. The doctors first thought the cancer was only under the top layer of skin. It turns out it was through the fat and into the muscle. So what should of been an hour procedure, turned into an 8 hour day and 3 different times they had to cut away the cancer. It was so awful. At the end of each procedure, I could start to feel the cutting and cauterizing that was happening. The worst kind of pain imaginable. They couldn't give me anymore anesthesia because they were entering the "toxic level". It's unusual for that to happen but not unheard of. In really healthy people, the anesthesia filters through the body faster than it should...hey, at least I'm healthy! All kidding aside, it was pretty traumatic. I'm not sure how I made it through. Even writing it and then rereading it is giving me anxiety. Not good. Not good at all. Dr. Johnson and her staff where so great. I have to say that. The running joke is that I'm a medical anomaly and its so true. They really tried to make me comfortable and they did all that they could do. What usually works for the majority of the population, doesn't work for me....I guess I'm hyper sensitive to pain..?? Needless to say, they concluded that it would be best for me to go to the hospital to be stitched up by the plastic surgeon on Tuesday. THANK GOD!! They put me completely under...THAT, is the way to go. I was pretty anxious and shaking like a leaf but the nurses at Virginia Mason are top-notch. So thoughtful and very caring. I always thought if I ever got plastic surgery, it would be for a tummy tuck...lypo...maybe a boob job..never for something like this!( Eat your heart out Robert! BTW...I'm still convinced we can get a group discount when we all go back to Thailand!) So, surgery was @ 4pm and they wheeled me out at around 6pm. Tuesday was a really sleepless night. The pain meds they prescribed just were not cutting it (HA! No pun intended!) So the next day they gave me something a little stronger which was great. I was able to rest and feel somewhat relaxed. We came home on Wednesday. I needed to see my girls. I missed them so much! We had to go back on Thursday and get the drain taken out....that sucked! I just don't know how else to put it. So painful! I felt so much better when that was taken out. I was able to stand upright and could move around so much better and I could sleep better to. Little milestones, but we're getting there! Jon was so great. I'm not sure where I would be without him. I don't want to even imagine it. I love that man so much. He's the best.
The important thing is the Doctors are sure they removed all the cancer. As I've said, this cancer has a 90% recurrence rate for the first 3 years, so its important that I'm diligent in going to my Drs. appts. every three months for the next three years and keeping a close eye on the area. I'm hopeful. And, I'm sore.....Holy Shit, am I sore! I just cannot express the gratitude I have for all of you who have held myself and my family close to their hearts. Who prayed for us and sent us continuous good thoughts. What a difference that made for us. I'm convinced that is what carried me through all the difficulties on surgery day. You are all AWESOME! I Love You!

2009-03-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update for everyone. I'll be leaving on Sunday afternoon for my surgery which will happen Monday morning @ 7:30am....UGG! I'm nervous but positive that everything will be just fine. If you happen to see my girls or my Mom, give them extra loves...I'm thinking they might need it....especially Mom! Thanks to everyone for being so warm and thoughtful to me and my family during this process. Its been quite the journey thus far and I'm sure it will continue well into the second phase..the healing! I think we will be back on the island on Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest. I'll try update the Blog as soon as I can. Lots of Love To EVERYONE!!

Learning as I go..

2009-03-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well the time is getting near. Surgery day is slowly approaching. To be very honest, Friday was a hard day. I think the hardest I've had since this journey has begun. I was deep in depression and sinking fast. All my usual tricks that I use on myself just were not working.....positive thinking, visualizing golden, warm light, meditation. It all was in vain. I just couldn't get through it. When my mind wanders and I feel myself veering towards a dark place one thing I do is repeat the word Love and it usually works. I turn the corner into sunshine and I'm back, strong and determined. For some reason the dark had a hold of me and it took most the day to bounce back. And, true to my nature I finally said to myself, "What the Hell are you doing?? Get it together! Get your ass out of bed and live your life" It worked! I'm not one to dwell and live in self pity. You must be the change you want to see. What I need to see is.. me. Living my life. I'm eager and excited about what tomorrow will be bring me. I'm thirsting to immerse myself in new things. So, exactly how am I supposed to do that in bed with the curtains drawn?? I knew it wasn't healthy for me to be in that place of negativity and gloom. So, you move..You have to. And, I start anew. Loving all the lessons I continue to learn and... I'm thankful for all of them!

My Lovely Island~

2009-03-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

I love Lopez. Its been 21 years since I first drove off the ferry to start school..I was in 8th grade! A lot has changed since then. God knows I especially have! I guess I still have a few quirky sayings and habits that I never grew out of..I cant seem to drop "No Doubt" & "Gnarly" and I never quite lost my incisive need to wear flip flops, even in the dead of winter. But, I'm good. With everything and really, I cant ask for more than that.
Since announcing that I have cancer everyone has been so wonderful. I get hugs, kisses and big, bright smiles and that is the best medicine..EVER! There is something so impressive about this island. When times get tough, we really do band together as one and make it better or at least get through it. But getting through it is always easier when you have the support and unity of many. I cant imagine being anywhere else. There were times when I cursed the day I ever set foot on this island. Mostly for superficial things. The usual suspects...rumors, gossip...well, I guess just rumors and gossip but I've out grown that. Its so small compared to what I receive in sharing this beautiful place with so many beautiful people. Now I just laugh. At the rumors and the people. It provides endless amounts of hilarity if nothing else! And really, life is to short to be consumed with such nonsense. I just always think of the people who, for some reason, find it necessary to live in such negativity. Its so depressing and sad. We can learn from others mistakes, turn a negative into a positive...learn a lesson! So yes, there are a few minor checks on my pro and con's list of living on an island. But the pros always out number the cons....always!
With everything I'm going through at this moment, I need my little island more than ever. I need to explore it, nurture it and in turn, be nurtured by it. Be out in the elements and let it wrap me up in its never ending sea of greens, yellows and blues . I just love that all of us can coexist in such wondrous beauty. Help each other through the impossible. Let us always be good to each other.

I'm going with Tisha on this one...Cancer sucks!

2009-03-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

It is now official. I have cancer. That is a word I never thought I would be using at 34. It's like living in a constant dream. Just the word itself doesn't seem to fit into my life. But, it is what it is and now the work starts.
As many of you know, for years I have had what I thought was a birth mark on my left shoulder. Through the years it was just red circle. Nothing unusual or out of the ordinary. It didn't feel different or bother me at all. With in the last 2 years I noticed it getting larger and changing shape and color. It actually grew into a heart shape. When I went in for my annuals I always had the Dr. check it. They didn't seem to be worried about, so neither was I. Then finally, two months ago, after having a "gut feeling", I finally demanded a referral to a Dermatologist. They took two biopsy's from my shoulder. A week later I received the call that it came back positive for cancer. I have Dermafibrosarcoma Protuberans. Its a rare form of skin cancer. It's not caused by the sun, in fact, their not sure what causes it. This type of cancer does not respond to Chemotherapy though they have had some success with radiation. It rarely goes into other vital organs but it has been known for the cancer to spread into the bone. My tumor is small but its tricky because it can invade deep into the muscle and fat tissue. They wont know the exact extent of the tumor until they actually get in there. The surgery they'll be performing is called Moh's and is the most successful for this type of cancer. The recurrence rate is very high for the first 3 years so the probability of having more surgery's is something that I may be faced with in the future. Although I have had this mark for many years, it doesn't become worrisome until it starts to grow. Looking at the big picture, I caught mine early. These types of cancer's can grow very rapidly and the tumor growth can be extensive. There are still a lot of questions regarding recovery because they just wont know what they are dealing with until they open the infected area. I'm scheduled for surgery on the 30th and 31st of March. Hopefully it will only take 1 day...fingers crossed!
So now, I wait. At least 20 times a day I stop what ever I'm doing and I say to myself "You have cancer". It just doesn't seem possible. There is so much fear behind that word. Cancer. It's scary and harsh. We all know someone who has had cancer, is fighting cancer or has died of cancer. I do. I allow myself to feel scared and I cry but I don't stay in that place for very long. I need to live in the light, be positive, nourish myself inside and out. I'm angry at times but I cant let it smother the light inside. I think it's important to feel everything you need to feel. Get it out, move through it and find your center. At times I look at my girls and I feel sad or scared and that's ok. I think its a natural process of the evolution of something traumatic. You feel many different emotions. I'm leaning on my family and friends and just getting through it. My girls now know because nothing stays under wraps on Lopez for long. I've been honest with them and they know the challenge that lies ahead. I remember right after Jon and I found out about the cancer, we just held each other and cried. We said nothing. Just cradled each other and held on tight. He was so strong even through his tears, especially through his tears. What a gift. To just be. Allowed to feel anything and everything you need to feel. I love him. He's so good for me. I see my girls and I am so proud and comforted. They are my every breath. So the journey begins and so does the healing.

The Curious Case of Bo Bo's.....

2009-03-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Our kitty Bo Bo is a kick-ass kitty. He's so mellow, loving and just a cool cat. Jon loves him and Jon hates cats....Lately, he's been sleeping in the most precarious places (I'm almost positive he's forced to be creative in finding these hiding spots due to the fact that Ava loves to play "VET" with him) so I started snapping photo's of all the interesting places I've been finding our Bo Bo's.....To stinking cute! I wonder where we will find him next...........?

Believer~

2009-03-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

What's that saying??......When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.....Yeah, well, I call bullshit! To say that this past week has been difficult would be putting it lightly. There are times in ones life when, out of no where, your life gets shaken to its core. The impact is severe, devastating & shocking. So how do we get back to the peace and the balance we had before the life altering information? How do we heal and nourish ourselves from the inside out, in an attempt to acquire some sort semblance of a life that was. Simply, we do the work. So, I'll be in the process of "doing the work" and I'm sure that will entail a lot!
There's a lot that cant be said but will be said in time. It's a journey with twist and turns, ebbs and flows and I'm going in with an open heart to it all.

Bad Medicine~

2009-03-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

I'm back to square on with my TMJ and I'm totally and completely frustrated! I haven't had a relapse like in this in over 10 years. I thought I had it under control but damn it, its so sneaky!
For those of you who don't know what TMJ is , its a joint disorder in your jaw that causes tremendous pain. Its like being punched in the face over and over again. Just a continuous, dull, throbbing pain. The foo-foo name for it is Tempromandibular Joint Disorder. My foo-foo name for it is Pain In The Ass Disorder! I haven't been able to eat solid foods in 3 days, slimfast for me. Sleep comes and gos but the most I've been able to get is in 15 to 20 minute intervals. Besides the pain, the lack of sleep has been awful. Its so frustrating when you cant do the day to day things. I've always been the type of person that is in constant motion. Sitting still for me is hard. I'm always doing something. I love to work. I love to run. I love working outside. Being immobile just sucks for me. I get depressed and just have that constant UGG feeling. I haven't done a damn thing in 4 days.......it just sucks!
When I started on this journey over a decade ago, the doctors at the U.W. told me the only way to right this wrong was to break my jaw and reset it. NO THANK YOU!! There had to be another way. I started doing a lot of research and decided to completely get off all the meds, and there were a lot of them, and try massage therapy, acupuncture & Yoga. It was the best thing I ever did! Amiee and Julienne taught me about skin rolling and working the muscles inside the mouth,ear stretching exercises. Felicity taught me some stretches that work the shoulders, back, neck and arms and the acupuncture helped me get off the meds that were so toxic. So for ten years I was able to get it before it got me. And now, I'm back on the meds and I'm so disappointed.
I'm just so anti-pharmaceuticals. I understand that there are times when it is a must but I just hate it. I had been on Paxil for about 5 years and when I decided to get off it, which ended up being the best thing I did, the road was scary and very trying. I had seizures, panic attacks, & headaches. Paxil is poison! I know a lot of women who are on it and I'm scared for them. Like I said, I understand that at times in ones life, it can really help. For the long term however....its just a bad idea! Well, I'm back on 3 different medications. They are for only 5 days but still its not something that sits well with me.
So the lesson in all this.......Maybe its time I put myself back on the list. Its been a hard February for the island. A lot of death last month. Just sadness and shock. Jon and I are stressed but the stress is easier to deal with because we have each other, I know, its sick how much in love we are!.... So I'm in need of some Kira Therapy. That will entail a lot running, without the Ipod to totally tune out, A lot of stretching, some meditating, and long bubble baths. Plus, I start back to work at the Bakery in April and that place is my therapy. I love it there! So, I've hit a bump in the road....I just need to find an easier path.

Good Medicine

2009-02-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a beautiful day on Lopez! Such a contrast from yesterday's snow. I woke up this morning feeling like I was trying to catch a cold. My interest in getting out of bed and starting my day seemed, at best, minimal so I stayed wrapped in the warmth of my comforter for a few more hours. After getting my fill of the Food Network, I did it. Slowly threw back the cover and placed my feet on the carpet........No, my mind kept saying. Its so warm in there and to cold out here. But I persevered and feebly stretched and yawned my way to the shower. I thought, "maybe a run later"...or"maybe not". After doing a little laundry, dishes and straighting up Ava's Bomb Shelter, I dawned my work out gear and running shoes and hit the gym. Still feeling like crap, I decided that I would play it by ear. Maybe walk a little on the treadmill and see how I felt. I ended up running three miles and doing my upper body workout. Not bad for a total slacker!!

Miss Ava!

2009-02-26T11:17:00.000-08:00

Our Ava. What can I say? She's strong....Hooray! She's independent.....Yes! She's opinionated......I can live with that, after all, she is half me. Ava is everything I want my daughter to be. When I think of her going off into the world at 18 I feel surprisingly, o.k. My hope is that, when the time comes, she will still have these traits to carry her through her life. She'll be able to stand on her own, depending on her own strength and the love and support of her family and friends to do anything and everything that interests her. Lately, it seems Jon and I have been going to battle with certain parents who apparently, seem to think the traits that Ava obviously has, are ones, they themselves, wish there daughters NOT to have. How sad is that?? At what point do we, as parents, stop fighting our childrens battles?? Especially the ones that start over a misunderstanding about tying shoes??? I'm beginning to think all the wine these parents consume on a nightly basis is starting to influence there reasoning skills....is that possible??

I will say, that as a parent, I think it's crucial to teach your children right from wrong. That's a given. The dialogue between parent and child has to be ongoing and constant. I think it's also important to teach your children the art of "talking it through". When there feelings get hurt, tell the person they hurt your feelings. If they take your pencil, tell them it wasn't very nice of them to take your pencil. Allow them the opportunity to work it through themselves. It's not rocket science. But, back to the "shoe tying incident"....its epic and also quite pathetic!

Every Wednesday Ava has Tap class. She rides the bus from school to the grange where their class is held. Its an hour class and they usually have a half hour wait until there class starts. There tap teacher has little activity's for them to do while there waiting. 4pm rolls around and I leave to pick up Ava. I walk into the grange and I'm met with a "I think we need to talk" from one of the parents. He proceeds to tell me that Ava was making fun of his daughter because she cant tie her shoes. So, I ask Ava if it's true. Ava says "no Mommy, I only asked her if she could tie shoes". "Well" he says, "its not nice to make fun of someone because they cant tie shoes". I'm thinking, fair enough, but why would Ava make fun someone for not being able to tie shoes when she cant tie her own shoes?? As I'm about to ask this question he proceeds to start yelling at another child for allegedly pushing his daughter......this takes the cake.....the kids were running for a bowl of goldfish crackers and the other kids beat her to the bowl of crackers....I guess in the mind of a complete and total Tool, this means pushing. The child that gets the tongue lashing runs out of the grange crying and starts walking down the road because she's to scared to stay and wait for her Mom. I put her in my car and wait with her. Ava proceeds to explain that she only asked her if she could tie shoes because she needed her own shoes tied.....AVA CANT TIE HER SHOES!! What a cluster fuck! So in the long, short of it, my child gets labeled a Bully by the parent that yelled at a seven year old and scared her so bad she now wants to quite tap. All for a misunderstanding about tying shoes and the complete may lay that in sued over Goldfish Crackers. You would think the more intelligent thing to do would be to wait for the parent of the "pusher" to come and speak to them....obviously intelligence is not this guys strong suit. I think it's safe to say he doesn't watch Jeopardy or maybe he just watches the Teen Tournament edition.

The incident is all but forgotten with kids. There playing with each other on the playground, passing notes to each other and talking on the telephone. Ava explained to her friend that she wasn't making fun of her she just needed help tying her own shoes. Everything is back to normal....or so I thought. Tap class comes back around and its a feeding frenzy! We find out Ava is no longer allowed to hug one of the girls. Apparently hugging is now labeled as bullying....which actually turned out fine because the girl she wasn't allowed to hug, walked up and hugged Ava in front of her Mom. Who would tell their child their not allowed to hug a friend?? Side note about the anti-hug Mom....she's evil. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's the anti-Christ. Why cant parents allow their children to be children?? To be care free. Freedom from all the bullshit that will surely be around when their teenagers and adults? Watching the kids yesterday in Tap class awesome! They were dancing around, holding hands, giggling and freely giving hugs...lots and lots of hugs! In fact I told Ava not to be stingy with the hugs...give them to anyone who wants one and give them often! So, while the children are having a blast with not a care in the world, not thinking about what happened 2 weeks ago, those crazy-ass parents wont let it go. Trying to make a mountain out of a moll hill. Who would want to live like that? In all that negativity? Can you imagine what that is going to do to their children? Its so sad.

Its been a hard couple of days. I guess all I can really do is learn from there obvious lack of respect for their children and not do that with my girls. I'm proud that Ava is who she is. That she freely hugs all her buddies. That when she's being bullied or her friends are being bullied she'll tell them to back off! I love that she's comfortable in her own skin. That she says EXACTLY what is on her mind and doesn't sugar coat it. That she can go school wearing a skirt over her jeans with a shirt ten times to big for her and feel like she's a Rockstar. She can get dirty digging for worms in my old high heels and a Neil's Mall Dress and still think she's beautiful, because she is. That is Our Ava. And if anyone thinks for a single second I would want to change her so she fits into a mold of what "they" think is right, They're out of their minds. She is perfect just the way she is!